Reality Show Living

Welcome to Reality Show Living where the most important thing is being the center of attention and, above all else, winning. Winning at all cost. Winning at the expense of everyone and everything else of true value. Where integrity is sacrificed for “likes” and “shares”. Where zingers and smart comebacks are applauded. Where the content of one’s character matters less than a few minutes of fleeting fame and recognition. Where everyone thinks they are the smartest most important person in the room.

When we live this way it damages and cheapens the things that matter most – the close relationships that are meant to sustain us. Because those in our immediate circle, who love us the most, are keenly aware how quickly the tide can turn. How someday in someway they will be expendable like everything and everyone else that doesn’t temporarily enable and inflate our egocentric life.

There is another way to live. A more genuine life affirming path where love and personal integrity is valued more than accolades. Where kindness without the thought of return feeds the soul. Where the support and consideration of others is the currency of all our transactions.

We choose between these two seeming parallel ways of living each and everyday. One way leaves us isolated and empty and the other gives us personal and spiritual fulfillment. One is destructive and the other healing. One engenders suspicion, ill feelings, and hatred. The other trust, love, and respect. It all depends on which life you want to lead.

Choose wisely.

Near-Life Objects

I was reading an article this morning about an astroid that will be coming fairly close to us today. And although the headline was much more intense than the actual event (the purpose of headlines, of course) what interested me was how NASA actually measures distances.

This particular astroid will be approximately 0.03332 astronomical units (au) from the Earth or (put another way) approximately 12.97 Lunar Distances (LD). Close enough to be dubbed a “Near-Earth Object” (NEO).

Reading on I discover that an astronomical unit is the distance between the Earth and our Sun, and a Lunar Distance is the distance between the Earth and our Moon.

How else would we be able to understand what these vast distances mean if we didn’t relate them to our own Solar System?

On a much smaller scale this is how we understand the situations and events that enter our own orbits. We “measure” their impact based on our personal experiences. How else could we grasp them?

It never ceases to amaze me how true the saying “as above, so below” really is. Observations of the smallest things on our planet can easily be extrapolated to the larger Universe. Those observations (or natural laws) are pervasive throughout and can be studied, quantified, and applied.

And this is not just true about the physical world we live in. It’s true in our emotional, intellectual, and soulful world as well. This is something mankind has known from the beginning of our existence. It’s the basis of our religions and social constructs. It’s why we operate the way we do.

Love is the “au” of our relationships. Kindness is the “LD”. Both are known units of measurement in our human interactions. They are demonstrated by our words and deeds and ultimately they are how we measure the distance between us.

Listening

One of the most life affirming things is being told you’re loved and cared about. That you matter. That you being you makes this world a better place. That nothing would be the same if you weren’t here. That’s when you realize the importance of having other people in your life. Because we seldom, if ever, say these things to ourselves and if we did we’d never believe it anyway.

Loving relationships act as a mirror that filters who we think we are through the hearts of those who know and love us. Sure, there are those who would seek to tear us down, but those voices are hollow and discordant. Pay them no mind. Listen instead with an ear to those who love you most. For that, my friend, is like the voice of God.

Shooting Stars

Life is about serendipitous events, unplanned circumstances, and fortuitous meetings. Very few, if any of us, live a life so specific that each step is orchestrated. That’s just how it is. Life unfolds. Things happen. We move forward. Sometimes we struggle, sometimes we are pleasantly surprised, sometimes we are at a standstill, and sometimes our heads spin. Because above all else life is an ever changing moving target.

And this is what has always given me hope. That I’m not in control. That I can still be surprised by things that happen in the most astonishing and miraculous ways. That a fortunate encounter with a total stranger or a sudden chance meeting with an old friend can completely turn my world sideways. Ways that I would never imagine.

This week we finally went camping again. I can’t tell you how much I missed the smell of damp woods and campfires. There’s just something about it that feeds my soul.

Late one evening we took Zoey (our pup) on one last walk. The Sun had set and the stars were coming out as they often do, slowly, like glitter settling on the rounded glass of an upside down globe.

The half Moon barely lit our way, but provided just enough light to let me keep my flashlight in my pocket. I wasn’t paying attention when suddenly I bumped into an older couple who were standing silently on the edge of the road.

“Good evening”, I said a bit startled.

“Good evening”, they replied, “We’re waiting for the meteor shower that’s suppose to happen tonight.”

I looked in the general vicinity of where they seemed to be looking. “Really? What direction is it coming from?”

The man pointed up and said, “Over there in the northeast. It’s a bit early yet I’m afraid, and the Moon is still too bright. Once it sets we should be able to see it.”

“When will the Moon set?”, I asked.

“Around 2 am”, the woman answered.

“Well, I don’t think I’ll be up then, but if for some reason I do wake up I’ll check it out,” I said half jokingly.

“Well, have a good evening”, I said. “I hope you see lots of meteors!”

“You too”, they replied.

And we walked back down the road to our campsite.

Now that chance meeting may not sound like much to you. Nothing really earth shattering by any means. But the thought of this older couple who had been together for years and were still willing to stand in the dark together at the edge of the road in a wooded campground just for the chance of catching a glimpse of a few shooting stars? . . . Well, it stuck with me for some reason.

It made me realize that sharing simple things is what makes life worth living. That sometimes, when the opportunity presents itself, waiting for shooting stars in the dark with the one you love can be the best thing that could possibly happen.

Ambience

Each of us projects our own ambience. It’s a palpable field that surrounds our coming and going as surely as a late afternoon shadow. Others can read it, feel it, and sense it. It contains our energy, our mood, our fear, our joy, and our drive. It is expressed by the look in our eyes, the shape of our mouth, how our hands either open or close, how we stand or sit, the gait and pace of our steps, and the level of our shoulders in relation to our ears.

It’s not just body language. It’s the subtle way we communicate. How we tell each other our current state of well-being. Sometimes it’s more honest than our actual words. These simple cues provide others discernment about what is going on with us at any given point in time. Even total strangers.

Every one of us has the ability to read these subtle signals if we take the time. This week, as you go about your business, look to read those around you. Reach out when you see the need. Encourage those who are discouraged, sit with those alone, cry with those who are saddened, and by all means laugh with those in joy. All we have to do is pay attention to each other. In doing so we become better and more responsive people.

Brokenness

When we can accept and embrace our brokenness then we will truly heal. We will come to understand the importance of a tender and open heart and not be afraid to use it.

Brokenness is not a sign of weakness but of humanity, of the incredible depth we have for caring, and the powerful force of love. Our broken pieces fit into the broken places of others. Connecting us all.

This is how we will eventually be made whole. Not through perfection or power or might, but by our common brokenness. By the kinship we share in our most vulnerable moments. Because in doing so we open our souls to each another.

Aftermath

It was an absolutely beautiful day today in Horry County, SC. Quite the contrast to what is actually happening here. Rivers are rising in the Eastern Carolinas after the heavy rains of Hurricane Florence. Homes and businesses are flooding, roads are awash, creatures are seeking higher ground, folks are struggling to save what they can as the tannin colored blackwater overflows it’s banks.

The Waccamaw, Pee Dee, Lumber, Cape Fear, and many other rivers are carrying the remains of Florence down to the Intracoastal Waterway and Low Country estuaries. The soil is saturated, houses and farms stand like outposts, fields have turned onto lakes, roads and highways into boat canals, and the water is still rising. It’s a long slow-rolling process that will take weeks upon weeks to complete.

I’ve seen water reshape landscape many times. Even a little trickle makes it’s mark. But waters such as these can easily move mountains of vegetation and soil and eat up roadways and homes and anything else in it’s path. There’s not much a person can do except wait. Wait and hope it settles down enough so you can eventually see what’s left. So you can pick up the pieces and rebuild if you can afford to or have the energy to do so.

Those of us who managed to avoid the flood waters, who still have our homes and possessions, know how fortunate we are. Truth is most of us have always been more fortunate. Historically low lying non-arable land was sold to poorer folks here in the Carolinas. No one else wanted it. Their families have continued to live on those lands for generations. But those lands are more susceptible to devastating floods and the people living on them have fewer resources to deal with such events. I’m not sure how you rectify that. I’m pretty certain State and Federal government have no idea (or inclination) to do so.

We all have to live some place, and some places are better than others, but clearly we all don’t have the same options. As a society, as neighbors, as decent caring human beings, we now have an opportunity to help each other. Local churches are busy right now, organizations are gathering supplies and food, average everyday people are rolling up their sleeves to physically lend a hand, and those who can are making financial donations to help keep things going. It’s amazing to see.

There’s more good in this world than bad, a lot more, and in times like this we really need it.

A Rising Tide

​”A rising tide lifts all boats.”

I love this quote and the image it conjures. It’s been applied to all sorts of subjects. But the reason I am so drawn to it is because it’s true no matter how it’s used. Positive action influences in a positive way. It’s just a cosmic fact.

Much of the time we don’t think about our impact. Most of the time we assume we don’t affect anything at all, but we do. By our very presence we change the things around us at the molecular level. At any given moment, in any time or place, we can make a difference by the smallest flick of our rudder.

By using the wind, be it fair or foul, we steer our craft where we need to go. We take advantage of the tide to propel us on our journey and to bring us home again. We are all, each and every one of us, responsible when another vessel is in distress to aid and assist the best we can. To answer to our higher angels when the time comes.

And when you feel like a tiny dot in a gigantic ocean remember this – you are never alone. We sail together.

John Cotton

His name is John Cotton.

Friday morning I went to Bagel Dock in Calabash to pick us up breakfast. It wasn’t busy so I figured the wait since the three toasted bagels with cream cheese I ordered wouldn’t take long.

I took a seat on a bench next to a younger woman. We exchanged some small talk. Her order came and she left.

Then I noticed another person who had been in line behind me got his order and left. Hmm.

Then a young man in his mid-twenties came over and asked if he could sit down next to me.

“Sure,” I said and motioned to the bench.

He sat, leaned over, and said, “They have the best bagels here.”

“I totally agree! Now I just need to find a place that has decent pizza!” I laughed. “Are you vacationing?”

“No, I’m originally from Philadelphia. I’m down here living with my parents while I wait for a heart transplant. I was born with a congenital heart defect,” he said.

He was a small framed guy with light brown hair and a kind face. His curly beard sprung out like little copper wires from his face. He could have passed for younger version of Santa Claus.

I noticed another person who had come in after me who got their order and left. Hmm.

“I’m concerned about my health insurance. I’m on my Dad’s right now and if things change with the ACA I’ll have a pre-existing condition and I’ll be screwed,” he said.

“I know,” I said. “I’m on ACA right now. Who knows what’s going to happen.”

“I don’t usually talk politics, but I really miss Bernie,” he said.

That made me laugh, I liked Bernie too, and we proceeded to talk politics. We discussed single payer healthcare, the chances of expanding Medicaid, the mess in Washington DC, and disbelief that anyone could support Trump. Needless to say, we had an immediate connection.

“My Dad recently showed me a bill he’d saved from one of my surgeries. It was two million dollars! Two million dollars because we have a capitalistic healthcare system,” he said. “We’re the greatest country in the world and we can’t figure this out.”

“I know,” I said. “It’s ridiculous.”

Then his order came and as he stood up to leave he reached to shake my hand. “Enjoyed talking with you,” he said.

“Me too. What’s your name?” I asked.

“John Cotton,” he said.

“Well, John Cotton,” I said. “I’ll be praying about your heart transplant.”

“Thank you so much,” he said.

That’s when the owner’s wife looked over at me and said, “What are you still doing here? Where the heck is your order?!”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“I’ll get on that right away!” she said and scampered off.

“No problem,” I said to myself. I knew but for that I never would have met John Cotton. And you know what? I’m glad I did.

Your Idealized Self

It’s hard not to compare yourself to other people both personally and professionally. If you’re a living breathing person you probably do it. I’m not ashamed to tell you I do it myself. But I think it’s important to take a look at exactly what is going on when we do this.

First thing to understand is our perception of someone is simply what we imagine to be real. It lacks all that messy getting to know the down and dirty of another person’s life – what they worry about, what they fear, what they don’t care about, what they love, and what they do when no one is watching. We don’t have the luxury of actually being someone else. We can only imagine what it’s like.

Idealism is a uniquely human trait. We apply it not only to our hopes and dreams, but vicariously through comparison. When we idealize another person we fabricate a third entity. That person is neither real nor unreal, but actually something in between. Such comparisons can be self-defeating. They feed into our negative self image. That voice in our head that continually tells us we’re screwed up.

Secondly, it’s important to note that one persons perception might be totally different than anothers. This is because our assessments are based not on finite knowledge, but on our own experience, points of view, and preferences. Those things are uniquely ours and cannot be shared.

So what to do? When we compare ourselves to others what we are really looking for is a yardstick by which to measure if we’re okay. Do we measure up? Are we on the right track? Where are we on the spectrum of decency and intelligence? What are our shortcomings?

When I was in college I worked at a camp during the summer. My first year I had a young camper in my cabin who’s parents were going through a divorce. They had sent her to camp in hopes of distracting her and to avoid the messiness of it all. But she knew. You could tell it. Overtime we developed a bond. Even after camp we keep in touch for quiet a while.

It was twenty years later that I accidentally ran into her again. And although I’ve shared this complete story before* for the sake of this essay let’s just cut to the part that applies. She showed me a picture she had been carrying in her wallet those past twenty years of the both of us, arms locked around each other, with our baseball caps screwed on.

She told me that whenever she had a difficult situation or decision to make she would ask herself, “What would Kris do?”

I shot back, “You don’t want to know! I haven’t made some very good decisions since then.”

That’s when she said, “Oh, it really wasn’t about that. It was about having an ideal. Something to look up to and shoot for.”

This, my friends, is where we need to be when it comes to our comparisons. We need to realize the attributes we formulate and idealize in others are the very things we already have within us. We just need to live up to them. To be our best selves.

I’m not saying expect perfection, but know your ideal self. Know who that person is and what they can be. Be fearless in your assessment, but fair in your judgment. We’re works in progress until the last bell rings. In the meantime gather those fine qualities you see in others, apply them to your life, and realize those qualities are already in you.

* https://krishillenburg.wordpress.com/2016/06/03/on-my-mind/

Friends

​We all interpret things we see, feel, or hear through previous experiences, things we’ve learned over time, and our deeply held beliefs. When something happens that we don’t understand we use these factors to try to figure out how to respond. All our strengths and weaknesses come into play. In the end the conclusions we draw provide a window into who we are.

So when I see a post on Facebook where someone is working through some major event I pay attention to how they frame the problem, the words they use, and their “tone of voice”. As others chime in with their comments I look for the same things. You can learn a lot about people that way.

Yesterday a childhood friend of mine spontaneously shared that her dog had been injured and was facing back surgery on a semi-unrelated post I had written. Not long after four other friends of mine (one from my college days in northern Indiana, one from my time in Massachusetts, one from my storytelling circle, and another from where I live now in South Carolina) responded to her comment voicing support and concern. They let her know they cared. They were thinking of her. They shared her anguish. The most notable thing was none of them, not a single one, knew each other personally. They were only connected by virtue of being friends with me.

When things like this happen it warms my heart. Though it sounds simple – a kind heart naturally sees places to insert kindness, a loving person consistently sees a place for love, and a generous person sees the world as an opportunity to give of themselves. All the friends I mentioned are kind loving giving people and I feel lucky to have them in my life.

In a world where the news is often harsh and mostly negative, where people look to win arguements or make forced points, these friends of mine reached out to show compassion and caring to someone they’ve never even met and probably never will. I can’t tell you how much that fills me with gratitude for the present and hope for the future.

So I want to offer a special thanks to all my friends for being who you are. You make my world a better place ❤.