Reconnecting

A little over 28 years ago I looked in the mirror and discovered I didn’t know who that person was looking back at me. After my father’s death I felt angry and adrift. The things that had sustained me in the past no longer seemed sufficient. It became easier and easier for me to self-medicate using alcohol.

Over time my world became smaller and smaller until I had firmly isolated myself from anyone who might call me out on my self destructive behavior. The decline was so gradual no one noticed, not even myself. Until one day I was face to face with the realization of my situation. That moment was my gift.

They say as your drinking progresses you lose certain things you once held dear, and that was certainly was true for me. And now here I was, newly sober, looking in the mirror at the total stranger I had become to myself. It was the weirdest feeling of disassociation. I had to find a way to reconnect. To get back in touch with my self.

So I did something that on one hand seemed childish and on the other ridiculous . . . I pulled together pictures I had of myself, placed them in chronological order, organized them into a small photo album, and everyday for next several months I flipped through that album taking the time to look deeply at each picture. And everyday, little by little, I began to feel less disconnected.

I can’t say exactly when it happened, but eventually that feeling went away. I was able to feel like I was myself again; that I knew what believed in, how I felt about my life, and what was really important to me. I guess you could say I got my spirit back.

That experience and all the wonderful things that have happened since is what informs my thinking, defines how I care about people, and speaks through my writing. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. It’s made me who I am today.

Sometimes we find ourselves in straights we never thought we’d be. Sometimes our choices down right stink. Sometimes we forget who we are because we don’t feel worthy. We don’t want to feel our feelings. We abandon ourselves to devices we think will make life more tolerable. We hide and we dodge and we tiptoe around and ignore our emotions, and we become strangers to ourselves.

But life is worth so much more than that. You are worth so much more than that. I can tell you from my own experience it’s worth the struggle. It’s worth living life on life’s terms. When we embrace life regardless of the challenges we become who we were meant to be. Every experience, every trial, every tribulation, every joy, every emotional upset, every tender moment, every success, and every tearful confession of weakness defines us. And I, for one, never want to lose touch with that again.

Worker Bees

In all my working career I’ve never felt the need to “drink the Kool-Aid”. I’ve never been much for company rah-rah or understood the need. I haven’t seen a company yet that truly follows it’s mission and vision statement, at least to benefit or improvement of the lives of it’s workers and ultimately it’s customers. When it comes down to it companies care about earnings and profits. It’s just a fact.

If you’re in business and you think it’s all about the product or services you provide you’re only half right. What really makes your company stand out from another is your people. From those who make the product, to those who sell it, to those who service it, and especially those who interface with your customers when the need arises. Each and every one of them is a reflection of the company and how it is viewed in the marketplace.

Swag will only get you so far. Rah-rah sessions at company events have a short shelf life. Allowing employees to discover their own intrinsic value within your organization is the real challenge. People want to feel what they contribute is important. That they make a difference. That they themselves are as valued as the product or services the company is known for. And this is where putting the wrong people in management is a company killer.

Most times when a management position opens companies look internally to promote, as well they should. And here, specifically, is where companies fail their employees. Not every tenured employee is qualified or capable of taking a leadership position. Leadership and management skills need to be fostered early at the ground level so that when positions do open there are multiple well-qualified internal candidates to choose from. By indiscriminately plugging the next in line into a leadership position you potentially set your best employees up for failure.

During my second interview with Rockport Shoe Celeste Kramer told me she was going make me a Supervisor in a year. I laughed and told her, “You don’t even know me! I could be a sociopath.” She replied, “No, I know you.” And so it was that over the course of that year she sent me to training. Training about working with and motivating people. Training on conducting reviews. Training on time management. She signed me up with organizations where I could network with people focused on customer service. I learned about businesses and finding efficiencies and streamlining processes. She made sure I had everything I needed to be a success. And, true to her word, at the end of that year I was promoted to a Supervisor position.

That single vote of confidence in my potential propelled me throughout my entire working career. I didn’t always have the answers, but I knew that treating my direct reports with respect and understanding not only raised their level of confidence in me, but also in their ability to make a difference themselves. Whenever I saw potential I encouraged it. I never left a positive word unsaid. When praise was due I made sure they got the credit. When a correction was required I made sure they knew it wasn’t personal. That it was about performance and not who they were as a human being.

I’m sure I made plenty of mistakes (I’m hardly perfect), but I tried to be the leader Celeste saw in me that day and one I myself would want to follow. To make the hard decisions when they had to be made and to make sure everything was transparent and open to question if the folks I supervised thought I was wrong (which saved me many times). All of this was a direct result of one insightful exceptional manager who had faith in me and made sure I was prepared and ready when the time came. And for that I’m forever grateful.

Valued

Everyone wants be accepted. Everyone wants to be appreciated. Everyone wants to feel what they contribute is important. But more than anything else, more than any recognition, what people really want is to be loved, understood, and valued.

Read the Directions

You don’t have to know everything to figure things out. With just a basic sense of how things work you can surmise what to do. Of course, reading the directions doesn’t hurt either.

So here’s some simple directions.

1) Life really isn’t as complicated as adults let on. You have to make money to buy the things you need. Things like a place to live, food to eat, clothing to wear, a decent hair cut, and gas in the car to get you where you need to go.

2) You have to have a job to make that money and while you’re at it you should do the absolute best work you can so no one can ever say you didn’t earn it. Take pride in everything you do. If it ends up you’re pushing a broom, push that broom like no one else!

3) Always be nice to people you need help from and never pass by an opportunity to help someone else along the way – even if they don’t appreciate it. Even if they never appreciate it. Because it’s not your job to worry about that.

4) Stuff is just stuff. Life is about relationships. Those aren’t things that just happen. You have to put effort and time into them to bring out the value. Sometimes it’s just plain hard work. You have to push through the hard times, because that’s the forge that melds us together. We stand with each other or we fall with each other, and I don’t know about you but I’m all about standing.

5) Remember where you came from and never look down on someone else. We all have the same hopes and dreams. We just take different paths to get there. Some of us take longer than others, and that’s okay.

6) Above all else, be yourself. That’s the single most important thing you can do, because you’re the only one in the world who can do it.

Enough said.

Beauty

I’ll tell you a universal secret. None of us ever thinks we are the age we are. Why? Because our spirits are ageless. Oh sure we mature, we become educated, our lives become filled with experience and memories, and we evolve. Time passes. We know it, but in our hearts and minds we are beyond time and space.

And this should tell you something. This isn’t something we’ve made up on our own. The part of us that we refer to as our spirit is just that. True we are thinking, feeling, physical beings, but we are all marvelously unique individuals that just so happen to reside in these particular bodies.

Sometimes I wonder if suddenly we could only recognize each other by spirit, would we? Or do we rely so strongly on what we see that we never genuinely come to know who each of us truly are? That we miss the incredibly beauty inside because we are so focused on outward appearance?

Some of the most beautiful people I know are made so by the light they carry from within. It’s in their eyes, the tone of their voice, the gentle reassuring touch of their hand. They’ll never be on the cover of Elle or GQ. But they’re unforgettable in ways the transcend appearance, time, and space. Those people. You know them. They’re beautiful because of what they hold in their hearts.

Think About Your Troubles

We all like to think we’re essential. That we carry enough personal gravity to affect the tilt of the earth even if it’s just ever so slightly. That all this effort means something after all. That we’re not just consuming air and food and water for no reason.

Harry Nilsson wrote a song called, “Think About Your Troubles” that is part of his larger animated musical called “The Point”. It’s really a masterpiece in my view. I won’t bore you with my commentary, but this one particular tune has always stuck with me for some crazy reason. You’ll find the full version here – https://g.co/kgs/ovyRmL.

“Think About Your Troubles” is about the humble concerns of our lives and how small they are in the grand scheme of things. It’s about how our salty tears are just drops in the ocean. Harry tries to put things in perspective. But perspective can sometimes just be someone else’s point of view.

Lucky you! Your biology just happened to turn into a person instead of a fish in the vast ocean of possibilities. Not that fish don’t have a roll to play, but they aren’t people. They can’t hold a pen and compose a love letter. They can’t gently hold an ill person’s hand and comfort them. They can’t listen to a symphony and be moved to tears. They can’t laugh at a child’s antics or stare dreamily into a beautiful sunset. No, fish can’t do that. Only we can.

Take advantage of that miracle! Make the most of the extraordinary gift you have. Use all your faculties and capabilities to make the world a better place. Sure, we all have our troubles. Our tears may feel like tiny drops in a huge ocean, but don’t be fooled. We may not seem like a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but insofar as we can offer kindness and caring and solace and love we just might be the most wholly significant creatures on earth.

Except for dogs, of course.